Am I the Toxic One?

Updated: Oct 21, 2019

It’s 2019, folks.

A time where the truth is “hurtful” and even highly “offensive”. A time where kind words are taboo like saying “yes ma’am” apparently means you’re calling that person old, and “thank you” is rarely said!!

A time where holding the door for someone doesn’t tend to happen.

A time where we are told to “protect ourselves” by finding a “safe place”, or on the other hand, protect ourselves by starting riots and causing chaos.

However, it is also a time where the concept of cleansing one’s life of all unhealthy relationships is highly encouraged and talked about.

If a relationship is toxic to you, or holds you back, and doesn’t let you be you, then you are to rid yourself of that person, quickly, right?

I see memes all over social media about this topic, on a daily basis.

But, what if that toxic person…… you? What then?

I'm going to be transparent. I deal with mental health issues. Every. Day.

I struggle with the ups and downs so bad, it’s worse than any roller coaster I've ever been on. Trust me.

Because let me tell you, when I'm down, I'm REALLY down.

When I hit that low, I don’t want to be nice- to anyone! Not even myself!

People are so incredibly hard to handle during these times.

You see- I tend to get so self-consumed with what is “wrong”, that my fuse becomes almost non-existent resulting in harsh bursts of anger from a major lack of patience.

Yeah, I'm one of many who has dealt with some pretty hard times in life, and though I could continue to speak of my sob story and use it as valid reasoning, the truth is- there are plenty of individuals in this world who have endured far worse, than I could ever imagine, and they are far more forgiving, than I am- even on some of my best days!

My problem is, I think I can lean on the reasoning that, because I went through a few challenging years, I’m allowed to be unsettled. I’m allowed to be broken. I have a “reason” (aka excuses) to be short fused and rude to the public.

I’m wrong though.

My husband said something to me the other day, after one of my major malfunctions that I keep thinking about.

He said, "You are over there writing all of this advice and posting it, and you’re always talking about mental health and how to heal, yet you're not living any of it when you act out like this."

As my defensive mode fired up, in my mind I was retaliating and refuting with everything I had, wanting to just yell “No. NO! You don’t get to tell me that.”

But, you want to know something? Though that comment made me mad, and I mean like- really mad, I didn’t verbally react on it- because it was 100% true. He was right.

Yes, I said it, OK, I SAID IT! He was totally right.

There have been SO many times where I didn’t live by my own advice. I wasn’t practicing what I preaching.

For me, the usual cycle is that I can last a week or two in a calm, relaxed state of mind, but once something triggers me… all of that God-given ‘good advice’ flies out the door, and in struts “self-doubt”, followed closely by “self-destruction”, resulting in a grotesquely huge pity-party.

Take this last Friday, for example. After having submerging myself into a seriously bad mood, because- well- it had been a long day. Do I need any other reason??? *sarcasm*

It took one tiny little thing, and BOOM, off I went- freaking out over nothing.

And, It hurt. A lot.

It hurt me, it hurt my kids. It hurt everyone around me. (Road rage much?)

And, what it also did, (this is the worst part), was prove my husband’s point to be true. Damnit, all!

I ate my words that night, for sure.

See, instead of spending the day spinning my wheels trying to figure out WHY, and WHO I could blame for my poor mental state, I should have just allowed myself to have a bad day, and let that be it.

I mean, all day long I had that stinking attitude, but it wasn't until I picked up my kids and took them to see my husband that I “found my reasons” (aka excuses) for my mental state, and I used them.

I unloaded with them.

I made my rough day, my husband’s problem.

I made it my kid’s problem.

I used every single ‘mishap’ I could, to justify my release of anger, even though I knew deep down that I had absolutely zero legit reasons to be so awful to everyone.

So, what I came to realize that night, (after my husband so lovingly called me out on my hypocrisy), was this: We are all capable of being that toxic person!

We all house the same toxic thoughts, but not everyone reacts to them the same, which is why you can set the kind people apart from the rude ones, fairly easily.

The 'kind' people are the ones who have mastered their ability to control their toxic. They are the ones who others, ironically, flock to be around, because they have learned how to seal in their nastiness, and not allow it to flourish.

Then, you have those such as myself, who have seen and experienced some awful things in life, and thus get really good at dumping all that inner toxicity out for the entire world to enjoy.

BUT- that’s not OK.

We must STOP being that toxic person- to ourselves.

We must not let angry little spills, in our minds, seep out to the other parts of our brain, and we especially should not let it seep out to those around us!

When those toxic mental leaks do happen, however, try going somewhere quiet where you can be alone for a few moments. Then, calmly clean up that little mess in the corner of your mind, and learn from your mistake.

Try to pinpoint the real reason you want to explode.

Focus on it.

Learn how to control the impulses.

Focus on breathing exercises.

Learn how to forgive yourself, before blowing up.

Focus on personal/physical training.

Most of all, learn how to just be OK with your bad days.

Allow yourself bad days, because they are going to happen anyway.

Only, before you react to them, stop yourself, and clean out those toxins from your mind.

This way we begin to form a habit.

This way we begin to grow towards mental stability and discipline.

It's a concept that I've incorporated into my list of daily challenges!

*Do not be that toxic person, to myself, and allowing myself rough days without reacting to them in toxic ways.*

It's taking practice, but it's been working!

Try it with me!